Monday, September 29, 2008
I haven't updated anything for the majority of this month~ That's mainly because there isn't a lot of new things my life. Just a few days ago though, my entire life...well, I can't say that it turned upside down. It just simply changed, in a...probably a bad way. Or maybe there really are no bad things in life. I don't really know anymore.
A few days ago, my mom told me that my grandma's condition turned for the worse. I wrote before how important she was to me. Yet now, she is sick enough for my mom to have to go back to China. Sick enough for my relatives to consider putting her down. My mind is at lost right now. I don't know whether it is right to kill someone who is in pain, especially when that person is my grandma. I really can't find a way to explain my feelings in words right now. I even overhear my mom saying things like "finding" a piece of land. Can I say how stupid I am? When I first heard them talking about a "piece of land", I thought they wanted to buy a new house for my grandparents. But then, all of a sudden, it just came to me. There was no house; there was only a piece of ground. A place to bury my grandmother. During the summer, I could count on my grandma surviving until next summer. I thought that as long as she could keep the summers in her mind, when we could see each other, she'd have a goal in her mind at all times. I seriously thought that with that goal in her mind, she would have something to live for. I just never thought that sometimes, too much pain can break a person. I still can't grasp the thought that she will probably die, or be put down, in probably the next two weeks.
This summer, I asked her if she believed in a next life. She told me she did. If so, maybe that's why she isn't so afraid of dying. In her next life, she won't be sick, and she'll be able to do whatever she wants. She'll even be young and free again. But in her next life, she won't know me anymore; I won't be her granddaughter anymore. We will probably not even see each other. But I'm selfish to want to keep her here, where she suffers all the time. Even though I know that, I can't force myself to accept the fact that maybe when I go back next summer, she won't be there. I won't be able to stand it!! Seeing my grandpa living in that house along, seeing her mat in front of the Buddha statue empty. Her prayers can still be heard perfectly in my mind. It's hard to believe that just a month ago, she stood in the small kitchen with me, teaching me how to make noodles. Just a month ago, she still made her way out of bed to catch the 5:00 TV show. A month ago, she smiled when she saw her older sister's granddaughter. A new, young life.
After thinking so long about what present to buy her, I ended up giving her nothing, because I could think of nothing but time, which I had no right to give. I never thought of losing anyone. When I ask other people for advice they all say she should die. It's easy for them though; they can't feel what I'm losing.
I'm going to swear an oath to myself right now. I won't tell anyone what I feel at night when I think of her. The words "death and disease" haunt me. The image of seeing her mat empty haunts me. I heard my mom talk of buying a piece of land to bury her. I won't tell anyone when I cry. What I feel for my grandmother is mine and hers alone; I can take the loss if she can take her life. Just God, please let her be a healthy person in her next life. Let her live for a long, long time. Let her be an awesome grandma to another lucky child; my turn is over. She'll forget me, but that's okay. As long she remembers to be my grandma forever. It's fine if my mom doesn't tell me when my grandma dies. She isn't dying; merely reliving the life she should have had. My poor, poor grandpa. Always fighting with my grandma, but sticking with her until her end, even though she couldn't stay with him until the end.
I can't believe the Olympic medals are the last birthday presents I'll ever receive from her. Her $100; I can't ever spend. I will not. When little Tong Tong grows up, I'll tell her of the old woman who once held her; someone she will never remember seeing.
I'm sure I can put these memories in the most sacred part of me.
thisismymAgIcAltAlE