~my sw33t d3pr3ssion~

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

KACHINK! Summertime. That means what for me?

-shopping
-China
-swine flu [hell yea]
-online shopping
-chatting
-sleeping [I can sleep the whole summer and still not make up for all the sleep I lost during the school year.]

Ah...I'm not looking forward to going to China this year. What's in it for me? Especially since my grandmother passed away in October. Who's going to cook all the awesome yummy food? Who's going to sing? Who's going to drag me around to see her friends? And tell me...what are you supposed to say and how are you supposed to act in front of someone's grave? I've never been to one before, and I never thought the first one would be Grandma's.

Emo-ness aside, I'm looking to expand my wardrobe and makeup materials this summer. Online shopping seems my best choice, since my mom is a lazier bum than I am (no offense), and she thinks getting up from the sofa to send me to the mall is worse than hell. [Note to self: Forgot to mention that summer is also a time of disgusting takeout food and TV dinners] Lol.

AND. I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT. I'm about to reach the unhealthy range for people of my height. Oh dear...but see, I can't stop eating. I love food food food~~~!!! I guess I gain weight not because of the amount of food I eat (which isn't that much) but because of what I eat. With my mom, you can't expect any cooking, and I can't cook myself because there's no groceries to cook with. So therefore, as of now, the McDonald's dude, Jack in the Box dude, Wendy's dude, Taco Bell ladies, Burger King guy with the turban, and the Asian bento box ladies all know me and my mom. Blehhh........I keep telling myself to excercise more, but....I've got issues. XD I can never keep a goal.

Any suggestions?

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Friday, May 15, 2009

A classmate of mine once asked me if I ever felt like I wasn't myself, or if I couldn't be myself. I told her that yes, I felt that way before, and not just once. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do. Who am I? What is it that makes me what I am? I am so frustrated with myself sometimes. I have an urge to be different from everyone else.

I lie. I get bad grades. I don't try in piano. According to my mom, I'm selfish. Then tell me: Why do I want to help people in the world so much? Why does my heart hurt when someone else is hurt? Is it possible to be good and bad at the same time? I don't know which one is the mask. I have two faces. But which one is real? I miss being a child. I didn't want to find my other face. I didn't want to be bad.

There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys,
There are a hundred boys and girls,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

I wish I had my own castle on a cloud. Maybe when I grow up, I'll move far far away, where I won't see anyone. Sometimes I hate life. It's so tiring. I'm so tired of figuring out why I'm so strange, and why I don't try, and why I disappoint. I just want to find somewhere quiet to stay, alone in the dark.

I hate when life doesn't go the way you want. I have school problems, I have piano problems. My best friend is a bitchy slut. My other best friend is turning into someone I'm afraid I don't know anymore. I can't talk with many of my other friends because they don't understand. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose to stay with Helen and Claire over Erika and the others. I don't know why. I think being around Helen and Claire makes me feel at ease. You see, I'm always the oldest. Amongst my other friends, I'm oldest. In my family, I'm the eldest child. I can't stand it sometimes. I want to be a little girl too. I want to throw away everything and just be a little girl again. Claire reminds me of the oldest sister I wish I had. I don't hate my little sister. She's a good person. But I think sometimes I'm mean to her because I hate her for coming after me. I always think she replaced the older sister I wanted. When I was younger, I would spend a long time just daydreaming about having an older sister. But I was small. I was stupid. Too stupid to know that it was too late. I can't ever have an older sister. Forever and ever.

I miss hanging out with Erika and the others. But they don't understand. They don't understand that I get hit because I'm bad. They don't understand why I'm scared of piano lessons, like my life is about to end. I wish someone would understand. Why I'm always so afraid. I wish I could run away. But that's not what life is. You can't run away from life.

My mom asked if I wanted to switch places with the kids in the Sichuan earthquake. Is it that bad? I want a little dark place of my own. I don't care if I'm alive or dead. I just want silence; I want alone. Is that really selfish? It's so tiring. I want to run away, keep running, never stopping. What's at the end of the world?

I'm so, so sick of this competitive world. It shouldn't be like this. Everything should be happier. Right? Right? Right? What do I do? I live on happiness from others, that's who I am, I think. I hate trying for myself, and trying for things I don't like. But I will try for someone who is hurt. That's the person I am.

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Saturday, November 8, 2008

November 4th was a great day for Americans. A whole day full of polls running, people watching the news during work, seeing if their candidate was winning this state or that state. November 4th was also a nervous day for some Americans. Why? The passing of Proposition 8 was pending. The fate of many people depended upon other people's views on this proposition. What did this proposition state? Prop 8 is supposed to ban all gay marriage.

I want to take this moment to remind people that America is supposed to be a free country. A long time ago, people looked up to this country, because they saw this place as a place where dreams came true. Immigrants came to America to do things they were unable to do in their own countries. But does this country really have equality? Somehow, I do not really think so. Since the very beginning, we have all been raised with particular prejudices.

On November 4th, Prop 8 got passed. I was not only angry with the decision; I was disappointed with the nation. No matter how I think about it, I can't understand why so many people cannot see marriage between a man and a man, or a woman and a woman. Supporting gay marriage does not make people shed their blood; it doesn't kill lives. The only thing it does is make everyone's minds stretch wider and believe in changes. Maybe I am thinking this way because I am only fourteen; but I think that some children are wiser than adults.

I admit that marriage has been between a man and a woman since the very beginning. But marriage does not only have to be the unity of a female and a male. Everyone should know that love has no boundaries. Love is like a monster-- it can attack people in all sorts of ways. There are already very few examples of pure and beautiful marriages in this world. Marriage is not man and woman. It is love. As long as there exists true love and trust between two people, marriage is true. I believe that other people cannot decide the fate of two people. Laws should not ban love where it exists.

It is truly a huge change for the entire world; but not necessarily a bad one. Why can't everyone give up some of their laws to make everyone in the world happy? Somewhere out there in the world right now, there are couples who can no longer think of a future together, happily married. For them, one law killed their "happily ever after" story. I can barely restrain myself from saying, "I hate the people in the country." Just because it has always been like this, it doesn't mean it always has to be.

Think about it this way. Back when there was racism against African Americans, white people would say, "It's always been like this!". Now, we are no different. "Marriage has always been between a man and a woman!" How are we, as a nation, different from the racist America? No, we are no longer racist. But now we are prejudiced against another minority; the people who define love and marriage a different way. When will America live up to its name, and become the land of the free, and home of the brave?

We are not the land of the free because we do not offer all our residents any freedom. Not even the basic freedom of choosing who to marry, who to love! We are not the land of the brave because the majority of us are cowards who are afraid to believe in change.

I am just fourteen. I have no rights to say that adults are wrong. But I am free to believe in what I think is right. From a child's point of view, I will say that I think it is cruel to punish people this way. There are too many "why?" questions that can't be answered. That is because when adults decide things, most of the time, they don't have a perfect reason. They only think that things have to be the same.

Marriage is a privilege, not a right, that is true. Privileges should be available for everyone, and not just a majority. The law should not be used to take away an equal privilege away from anyone. The law should not signify the union between two people. The law does not have the right to take away happiness from anyone.

On November 4th, in the state of California, the law wrecked the meaning of equality. People see the world from many different viewpoints. People see marriage from many different viewpoints. On November 4th, a law forced every single person to see it through the government's viewpoint.

Does justice and equality bear any meaning to Californians anymore? It is agonizing to know that some of our very elite government still have a need to check in the Webster's dictionary to see the deeper meaning of those two words.

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

I have a new blogger's resolution. What's that? Pretty similar to a New Year's Resolution, except that this one doesn't have a set date. I want to set these resolutions to make my blog more eventful, and I want to improve my blogging. So my resolution this time is to actually blog about something. If you're wondering about what the heck I'm saying, it means that I want to blog about something other than daily happenings in my life. I mean, I don't believe a blog is a diary; there's a difference between the two.

So I need a topic to blog about every time. I will still blog my life, if there's anything particularly interesting. But blogs are mostly supposed to be useful things, and I don't find writing in a diary like some little girl really interesting. People like to read deep, intense things. Not light topics like what happened to me this or that day.

Well, just wanted to post up my blogger's resolution. ^^

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Friday, October 24, 2008

Ugh, it's been nearly one month since I made my last post...I figure I have to at least post something in October. Otherwise, when I grow old and read this blog, this part of my memory will be missing.

Well, what should I say? Too much happened between then and now, I feel like I'm trying uselessly to fill a hole too deep. Did I mention that my grandma died? I don't know if I said it, but I'm kind of sad and kind of happy. It hurts to lose someone you love. There were these two weeks in October that was just pure bad luck. Tons of people died that week, and I was beginning to think some kind of devil was working behind the scenes.

Let's see...my grandma died first, on Thursday. The following Monday, Mrs. Jack died. She had pancreatic cancer, can you believe it? She was the principal of Hopkins in the two years that I went there, 7th and 8th grade. The last image I have of her is walking around the school grounds, carrying a walkie-talkie and giving detentions/paper pickups to the kids who were goofing off. My whole freshman class of 2012 was extremely shocked. We were all sort of blanked out for a moment. "OMG" was on everyone's faces. Then, we heard about this 2007 graduate of Mission named Laura White who committed suicide. Lastly, Collette, my Debate Club vice president, is diagnosed with lung cancer.

Talk about the ironic. Two people have their lives taken away unfairly, one takes her own life 'cause she hates it, and the last one has the door of death opened for her. All in a few weeks' times. Before, I never experienced a tragedy in my life. Now, all of a sudden, all these things happen. It's a bit amusing, if you think about lightly. It's depressing, if you think about it deeply. Well, I guess everything's value is always determined by the way people look at it anyways.

With the darkest of the dark aside, I have to say that I think keeping grades high is a lot of stress. Geez, you can't leave your studies for even a moment, lest you want it to drop like crazy.

I'm getting random now, ahaha. Did I mention that I'm really into Jay Chou's songs right now? It's nice to relax and listen to music once in a while.

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Monday, September 29, 2008

I haven't updated anything for the majority of this month~ That's mainly because there isn't a lot of new things my life. Just a few days ago though, my entire life...well, I can't say that it turned upside down. It just simply changed, in a...probably a bad way. Or maybe there really are no bad things in life. I don't really know anymore.

A few days ago, my mom told me that my grandma's condition turned for the worse. I wrote before how important she was to me. Yet now, she is sick enough for my mom to have to go back to China. Sick enough for my relatives to consider putting her down. My mind is at lost right now. I don't know whether it is right to kill someone who is in pain, especially when that person is my grandma. I really can't find a way to explain my feelings in words right now. I even overhear my mom saying things like "finding" a piece of land. Can I say how stupid I am? When I first heard them talking about a "piece of land", I thought they wanted to buy a new house for my grandparents. But then, all of a sudden, it just came to me. There was no house; there was only a piece of ground. A place to bury my grandmother. During the summer, I could count on my grandma surviving until next summer. I thought that as long as she could keep the summers in her mind, when we could see each other, she'd have a goal in her mind at all times. I seriously thought that with that goal in her mind, she would have something to live for. I just never thought that sometimes, too much pain can break a person. I still can't grasp the thought that she will probably die, or be put down, in probably the next two weeks.

This summer, I asked her if she believed in a next life. She told me she did. If so, maybe that's why she isn't so afraid of dying. In her next life, she won't be sick, and she'll be able to do whatever she wants. She'll even be young and free again. But in her next life, she won't know me anymore; I won't be her granddaughter anymore. We will probably not even see each other. But I'm selfish to want to keep her here, where she suffers all the time. Even though I know that, I can't force myself to accept the fact that maybe when I go back next summer, she won't be there. I won't be able to stand it!! Seeing my grandpa living in that house along, seeing her mat in front of the Buddha statue empty. Her prayers can still be heard perfectly in my mind. It's hard to believe that just a month ago, she stood in the small kitchen with me, teaching me how to make noodles. Just a month ago, she still made her way out of bed to catch the 5:00 TV show. A month ago, she smiled when she saw her older sister's granddaughter. A new, young life.

After thinking so long about what present to buy her, I ended up giving her nothing, because I could think of nothing but time, which I had no right to give. I never thought of losing anyone. When I ask other people for advice they all say she should die. It's easy for them though; they can't feel what I'm losing.

I'm going to swear an oath to myself right now. I won't tell anyone what I feel at night when I think of her. The words "death and disease" haunt me. The image of seeing her mat empty haunts me. I heard my mom talk of buying a piece of land to bury her. I won't tell anyone when I cry. What I feel for my grandmother is mine and hers alone; I can take the loss if she can take her life. Just God, please let her be a healthy person in her next life. Let her live for a long, long time. Let her be an awesome grandma to another lucky child; my turn is over. She'll forget me, but that's okay. As long she remembers to be my grandma forever. It's fine if my mom doesn't tell me when my grandma dies. She isn't dying; merely reliving the life she should have had. My poor, poor grandpa. Always fighting with my grandma, but sticking with her until her end, even though she couldn't stay with him until the end.

I can't believe the Olympic medals are the last birthday presents I'll ever receive from her. Her $100; I can't ever spend. I will not. When little Tong Tong grows up, I'll tell her of the old woman who once held her; someone she will never remember seeing.

I'm sure I can put these memories in the most sacred part of me.

thisismymAgIcAltAlE

Friday, September 5, 2008

I can't believe how fast time passed! How did I manage to not make a single blog post in the month of August? That's ridiculous...to tell you the truth, I'm a bit pissed at myself. I want to at least update once a month. Maybe because I was too busy in China...well anyways. Yes, it's already September, and school has already started. It's hard to accept still, for me at least. Time always passes in the blink of an eye.

I just recently watched a really old Chinese movie called "Postmen in the Mountains", and it was really good. Moving, actually. It gets me thinking, actually. I can walk down the same path every single day. It seems boring, but actually, it's different. Every day, you look at the path a different way; you walk it a different way. It sounds so psychological. But seriously, it's true. Humans walk multiple paths in their lives, and they walk one path multiple times. But no matter; because each time, it is different. The world works in that way; each day, it is something different, and it is up to us to look for it. That's what I enjoy about living.

Now, enough of me rambling about something others might not even understand...I'll go to the normal topics. Here's my schedule for the first quarter of 9th grade.

~ Geometry - Sugden
~ English - Weed
~ Health - Lincoln
~ Biology - Virk
~ PE - Thomsen
~ French 2 - Townsend

Yeah...it's only the third day of school, but so far, I've already had three English teachers. I guess it's because there's so many students...but they keep misplacing me, which gets pretty annoying, considering every time they place me in a new class, I have to start all over, with a new syllabus, etc. Otherwise, school is just as normal as always.

Another thing I can't forget to mention-- There was an earthquake a few hours earlier. *shudders* These small earthquakes are becoming more and more recent. I think it's an omen: A really huge earthquake is coming to the Bay Area soon, I'm sure of that. Am I prepared for it? Not particularly. Oh, mentally, yeah. But I probably live in the most unsafe house in the world. No matter though...that can be fixed.

Well, since I've got school, I might not be able to update that much. I'll try though, because I really don't want this blog to become an abandoned old house.

thisismymAgIcAltAlE