~my sw33t d3pr3ssion~

Friday, May 15, 2009

A classmate of mine once asked me if I ever felt like I wasn't myself, or if I couldn't be myself. I told her that yes, I felt that way before, and not just once. Sometimes, I really don't know what to do. Who am I? What is it that makes me what I am? I am so frustrated with myself sometimes. I have an urge to be different from everyone else.

I lie. I get bad grades. I don't try in piano. According to my mom, I'm selfish. Then tell me: Why do I want to help people in the world so much? Why does my heart hurt when someone else is hurt? Is it possible to be good and bad at the same time? I don't know which one is the mask. I have two faces. But which one is real? I miss being a child. I didn't want to find my other face. I didn't want to be bad.

There is a castle on a cloud,
I like to go there in my sleep,
Aren't any floors for me to sweep,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a room that's full of toys,
There are a hundred boys and girls,
Nobody shouts or talks too loud,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

There is a lady all in white,
Holds me and sings a lullaby,
She's nice to see and she's soft to touch,
She says "Cosette, I love you very much."

I know a place where no one's lost,
I know a place where no one cries,
Crying at all is not allowed,
Not in my castle on a cloud.

I wish I had my own castle on a cloud. Maybe when I grow up, I'll move far far away, where I won't see anyone. Sometimes I hate life. It's so tiring. I'm so tired of figuring out why I'm so strange, and why I don't try, and why I disappoint. I just want to find somewhere quiet to stay, alone in the dark.

I hate when life doesn't go the way you want. I have school problems, I have piano problems. My best friend is a bitchy slut. My other best friend is turning into someone I'm afraid I don't know anymore. I can't talk with many of my other friends because they don't understand. Sometimes, I wonder why I chose to stay with Helen and Claire over Erika and the others. I don't know why. I think being around Helen and Claire makes me feel at ease. You see, I'm always the oldest. Amongst my other friends, I'm oldest. In my family, I'm the eldest child. I can't stand it sometimes. I want to be a little girl too. I want to throw away everything and just be a little girl again. Claire reminds me of the oldest sister I wish I had. I don't hate my little sister. She's a good person. But I think sometimes I'm mean to her because I hate her for coming after me. I always think she replaced the older sister I wanted. When I was younger, I would spend a long time just daydreaming about having an older sister. But I was small. I was stupid. Too stupid to know that it was too late. I can't ever have an older sister. Forever and ever.

I miss hanging out with Erika and the others. But they don't understand. They don't understand that I get hit because I'm bad. They don't understand why I'm scared of piano lessons, like my life is about to end. I wish someone would understand. Why I'm always so afraid. I wish I could run away. But that's not what life is. You can't run away from life.

My mom asked if I wanted to switch places with the kids in the Sichuan earthquake. Is it that bad? I want a little dark place of my own. I don't care if I'm alive or dead. I just want silence; I want alone. Is that really selfish? It's so tiring. I want to run away, keep running, never stopping. What's at the end of the world?

I'm so, so sick of this competitive world. It shouldn't be like this. Everything should be happier. Right? Right? Right? What do I do? I live on happiness from others, that's who I am, I think. I hate trying for myself, and trying for things I don't like. But I will try for someone who is hurt. That's the person I am.

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